||| Blessings in Disguise |||

I hate my life, seriously.

Even though I was the one that chose to have this life, I still want to say just how much I hate it as of now.
There is no shame in admitting it.
For once, may the voices inside of my head (and outside of me as well) stop shaming me for all the things that are wrong in my life. Stop with the neurotic, compulsive guilt; stop blaming me for screwing this up because “Oh, it’s just because you didn’t work hard enough to get things right in your relationship with God”. Screw you. How simple it could have been if it were only just that, as if you can work your way out of your abyss and work your way up to the skies of the heavens.
So stop shaming me with guilt.

I’m glad that I’m not married; otherwise I would be demanding a divorce right now.

I’ve learned not to get my hopes up too high, only to be expecting a disappointment so devastating.
My team never won when I was watching the entire game, and they always did when I expected nothing from them. So I’ll just not care about it; and they will do better.

I’m turning 25 this summer. How ironic it is to be learning the truths of my existence when I’m already ¼ way in. Well, assuming I would want to stay here until I’m 100. That will be such a daunting thing.
“Tough life”.
Learn to be very honest about the truths of the heart—those truths that are dark, unknown, ugly, and dirty. Now these are the truths that you have tried so hard for the entire life to cover up with shame and guilt. They just don’t seem to be working anymore, do they?

My mind is speaking in English; my mouth is eating Chinese; and I’m STILL out of place among the Whites.
My heart is crying; my face is smiling; and I’m STILL left on my own to figure my way out of these ironies.

-background music: “Don’t Work Yourself Up” by Tristan Prettyman

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I might run off at any given time
Don't leave no notes there ain't no reason to lie
Guess I haven't found what I'm looking for
Can't keep my hands to myself
Or my eyes off the door

Is it any wonder that I'm on to the next
I'll be the first one to tell you
And the last to forget
Don't let me drag you into this bitterness
Sometimes I don't even understand the half of it

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much love

Sometimes I can't stand to be apart
I walk around this city, alone 'til it's dark
And if the sadness won't ever go away
I suppose I'll build it a home
So it has a nice place to stay

Most of the time I don't mind the company
But God I wish you would stay
Why do you have to leave
Seems like we always want what we can't have
But that's just life baby, you can't get mad

When there's no one to blame
And nothing here to see
You don't call, I don't blame you
I don't even trust me

Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Don't work yourself up
Too much, too much, love

I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how
I want to love you but I don't know how

And this happens all the time
Oh yes it happens all the time…